Tonight!

I'm reading 50 Shades today. I'm one chapter into the three I was planning to read tonight and I'm already getting very pissed off about it. I'm going to take a break for a few hours and do real life stuff, but at 8:00 pm GMT I'm going to live tweet the other two chapters I'm reading today over on my Twitter account. A brief recount of what I just read so you don't feel behind: Ana and Christian fight for the entire chapter and then a bombshell happens. Since it's impossible to actually spoil this story, the bombshell is that Jack Hyde calls her. Can't wait to see what that insanity is all about. So, 8:00 pm GMT (3:00 pm EST, 2:00 Central, noon Pacific if you don't feel like doing that math, America. Europe, you're on your own.) on Twitter. Hope to see you there!

P.S. I realize I should have announced this like two days ago so people would have had time to plan, but I've just thought of it and I won't have time to do it later this week with school and Thanksgiving. And I'll add the tweets to this post later on, so no one will miss anything, really.

Update:

Here's the results of the live tweet, including page numbers so I could remember what I was talking about.

Got my rum. Got the book. Here we go #50live

445: This is an insane amount of hatred. Hyde could have just gotten a new job by now

445: Can't they just find him based on the cell signal?

446: Well, he has her phone, that's a good clue. Also it's this book so of course he has her. Asshat.

446: FACT: terror tastes like metal.

446: Your plan to free Mia starts with go home and change clothes? What is wrong with you?

447: You have to keep CHRISTIAN safe? Are you high? Also, where was Mia's security. You're slipping Christian.

448: You can't complain about Christian's unsafe gun storage and then put it in the waistband of your pants dumbshit.

448: Yeah call him from inside the house. That's not suspicious.

449: "I have to collect five million dollars." Kidnap Monopoly!

450: He's not following you because I'm sure Christian has a tracker on your car.

450: DON'T DESCRIBE THE BANK WE KNOW WHAT A BANK LOOKS LIKE

451: NO. One bank doesn't hold the cash reserve for that entire part of the country. That's not how banks work. Jesus fuck

451: Oh your name doesn't match your account on official ID? No problem! - No bank, ever in recorded history

451: Your husband is not the authority here IT'S A FUCKING BANK

451: I'm going to stab something. This is not how banking works. I WORKED FOR A BANK

452: He's a rapist and he hates you. She'd already be raped by now.

452: Oh Jesus Christ. Plus you lie to him ALL THE FUCKING TIME

453: JUST FUCKING TELL HIM YOU DUMB FUCKING TWAT

454: Why would you tell the police? You never tell the police about anything.

455: It is absurd, he's going to rape the crap out of you, not be like "kthxbye!"

456: Because he's following you, how can you possibly be this stupid?

457: In what universe would that even work?

459: Unprovoked. Are you fucking serious? Only an idiot would have gotten in that car. Or done any of this really.

460: "Darkness.....peace." I FUCKING HATE YOU SO HARD

460: Exactly how I thought it would end. Your attempt at unpredictability has failed again, James.

Ok, Chapter 23. Just had a short break to vent to StereoNinja and down my rum and coke.

461: He wants the baby. THAT'S what you're thinking about? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

461: Seriously, why can't I move and where is Mia should be your first two thoughts if you are a normal person. Oh wait...

462: If he roofied her and DIDN'T rape her I will buy a hat and eat it.

462: No, she was incredibly STUPID. It's different. Also Christian will heart guns now, I can already tell.

463: More paperwork! Can't have that! NO ONE TALKS LIKE THIS

463: This is a horrible story telling device, James. Just pure shit.

463: Oh my god this conversation is not happening.

463: No, the ones you love are the ones you should be trying NOT to hurt you jackass.

464: I beg to differ, I am truly LIVID at this author.

464: NO YOU DON'T HAVE TO PEE YOU WOULD HAVE A CATHETER HAS THIS WOMAN EVEN SEEN A HOSPITAL

466: Oh you DO have one. Then it's in wrong because YOU SHOULDN'T NEED TO PEE WITH A CATHETER.

466: Good idea Christian, tell the nurse how to do her job and to rush while she's at it. I fucking hate you.

469: "She wasn't harmed." I don't believe you.

470: No Ana, that's what he ALWAYS thinks. Jesus how do you no know this?

471: Why does it matter that the doctor is African-American? It's like you've only seen 3 black people in your whole life

474: Tracking device on the Saab. I WIN ONE TO NOTHING

475: No Ana, a hospital that knows you are pregnant prescribed you pain meds that would hurt the baby. Idiot.

480: You'll be a terrible father Christian. TERRIBLE

481: YOU ARE NOT NAMING THAT KID BLIP FUCK OFF

That's it tonight. I'm going to go wash the terrible off me now.

Name That Stripper

So, one of the things that is going on in my life right now, which has recently been FILLED with things that have lead to my genuinely not having time to read and/or blog, is that I have made it into the advanced burlesque or "show" class and am preparing for my debut performance as a solo burlesque dancer at the end of June (something I am starting to think of as a marketable job skill given the advice I've received from all my UK peeps on the availability of actual jobs). There's a lot more that goes into this class than just showing up and shaking your ass around. For example there's developing a critical eye for performance (an ongoing homework assignment that basically involves watching ALL of the things), learning how to choreograph something that is not just standing there taking off your clothes whilst otherwise being exceptionally boring (something I am starting to notice a remarkable amount of now that I've developed a critical eye for performance by watching ALL the things), and, perhaps most importantly, deciding who you plan to be as a burlesque dancer (what your style is going to be, who is your character, how do you interact with the audience, etc.)

Part of that last thing is literal: our very first assignment in class was to start thinking about what our name was going to be. This is actually way harder than it seems because there's a lot more to think about than is immediately apparent. Your stage name should be all of the following things:

• Reflective of the character you want to be. The very first thing the audience knows about you is your name, and it will determine what they expect to see.
• Not easily misconstrued. Michelle told us a story in class that I am not allowed to repeat here, but suffice it to say, don't pick a word that can be pronounced in several ways, especially if one of those ways is unflattering.
• Per Michelle, not something tired and overdone that practically every other burlesque dancer or stripper has done to death, i.e. anything using kitty or another variation of "cat", anything that starts with "Miss" (Miss Anthrope, Miss Demeanor - these are both actual names people are using. Seriously.), anything with "Von" or "Vaughn" in it, anything using the word cherry.
• Not already being used by someone else, or too similar to something being used by someone else. Either they will get VERY angry with you or you will constantly be mistaken for a porn star.

In the case of our particular class, there is a further criteria in that Michelle has to not hate it. The name I had fallen in love with YEARS ago, Poppy Coxx, has two major problems. One is that, in between googling it when I thought of it and googling it again just to double check, someone else decided to start going by Poppy Cox and is touring around the country doing a show about "bicycle porn". The other is that in hesitating about how to alter it in a way that Michelle wouldn't instantly veto (Poppy Cok? Poppy Coq?), I waited too long and now another girl in my class has chosen a name that starts with Poppy, and it would be kind of ridiculous to have two performers named Poppy. Since finding that part out about a week ago, I have been brainstorming names with StereoNinja and BrownsFan, and we've collectively come up with, well, basically nothing. Every good idea we've had (Boobie Fett!) is already taken. "The problem," I said to BrownsFan, "is that lots of other people are clever."

And then I remembered something important. I HAVE HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE READING MY BLOG EVERY DAY AND THEY ARE ALSO CLEVER! So, with that in mind, I'm putting it to you guys: what should my stage name be? The best thing we've come up with so far is Bloomy Madd. It's ok, and you should definitely let me know if you like it, but I think you guys can beat that. What say you?

(StereoNinja adds that we'll give a free t-shirt to the person to comes up with the best name, however, that will probably seem like much more of an incentive when we actually design some t-shirts.)

No, Seriously, I Have A Real Excuse

OK, so I'm being a terrible blogger - I have a book review to finish by the end of this month and I haven't made a video since my birthday - but I do actually have a reason for once.

That reason is that my timetable for the life-rearranging I have been hinting at for months has been pushed up significantly, and I am scrambling to update my CV and also assemble paperwork and fill out applications for graduate programs with looming deadlines and write statements of varying lengths about how much I heart learning and why I specifically want to learn these particular things, and I can't devote my full attention to that and also make up new swears for you guys and expect to actually succeed at my ultimate goal, which I am happy to report, I can now state fairly openly (in as far as I don't think any of the people I haven't spoken to yet read this regularly, and if they do, hi, and sorry you're finding out this way), is to move to the UK.

That was an incredibly long sentence and is not indicative of the quality of sentences I am using in my position statements on any of these applications, I assure you.

Point being, my absence is legit for once, and that I haven't stopped writing; I'm just writing something else at the moment, and it is important. And also that I will return to normal very, very soon since I have to finish the book review by the end of February so I can give the stupid book back to its owner.

In the meantime, in an attempt to make this up to you, I took the liberty of googling "weird knitting projects" for you guys. The image search results are here. I am particularly impressed with the knitted turd about 9 rows down and this fucking insane corpse:

You're welcome.

VERY IMPORTANT NEWS

While I was in Cleveland a week ago, after a long day of visiting family and watching three hour long musicals and having dinner with a friend of my stepmother who told me she read all three Fifty Shades books in one weekend while I bit my tongue until it bled, I made a video of my spare notes from Chapters 9-10 in my parents basement. It's not my best work, I have to say - I was tired (see previous sentence), I really didn't have a lot of notes from those chapters because almost nothing happened in them, and I found a giant fish pillow which was very distracting.

 

 I promise the next one will be better. I have deliberately left some things out of my review because I wanted to yell about them on camera. And James packed the last three chapters with sentences that are so poorly constructed they should be taken out behind the shed and shot. It should be a good time.

In completely unrelated but VERY VERY important news, SATURDAY IS MY BIRTHDAY. I think I may have already gotten my best present already - the hockey strike ended this weekend and it seems there will be some games this year after all, great news since I have serious concerns about being able to watch hockey next season and it might be my last chance. Then again, StereoNinja is being very secretive about something he's mailed to my office, so maybe not. I hope it's sex toys. And of course, if anyone out there could convince Hannah Hart to tweet me a personal birthday greeting you would make my entire life. But just so we're all clear, the important part of today's post is that everyone is made aware of my upcoming birthday. Saturday.

I Have The Coolest Readers

Here's how you know you've made it, internet-wise. I was hanging out on Twitter yesterday with a couple of friendly Bizzybiz readers (Hi!) and they told me they invented a drinking game based on my reviews:


@amberance We've turned your reviews into a drinking game. Drink when you laugh. Drink when Ana is a moron. Drink when Christian is a dick...


I mentioned they may be endangering their livers. StereoNinja thinks they should film it. He is also jealous because he is not a drinking game. (He is also not really a ninja*.)Point is, A DRINKING GAME HAS HAPPENED AND YOU GUYS SHOULD TOTALLY PLAY IT.

* OR IS HE?

50 Shades Ridiculous

It has become clear to me that E.L. James watched every Bond movie ever back to back before writing the second two books, because it is obvious she has a checklist of things that are "exciting" and she is bound and determined to include every single fucking one of them regardless of how regoddamndiculous they are or whether they do anything to advance the overall plot. But we'll come back to that.

The nonsense in Chapter 4 begins right off the bat. Ana decides she wants to go shopping in town and also take the jet ski to shore, but when she tells Taylor this he visibly shrinks back and says that allowing her to do any such thing would imperil his job. This is 100% true and I'm not sure why he doesn't get a better job. Ana's not having it, because she's a strong confident woman who can make her own decisions! Except, you know, NO SHE FUCKING ISN'T. So she marches into Christian's office and announces in no uncertain terms that she is going shopping and will be taking the jet ski to do so. This is the claim she makes to Taylor anyway. In reality she is flat out lying to him because her husband terrifies her. What she REALLY did was go into his office and meekly state that she would like to go shopping and will take security with her, without ever mentioning the jet ski. He approves this plan, she points out, without asking any other questions, because he is preoccupied with the fire back in Seattle, the implication being that if he were not distracted she would have been grilled endlessly about her intentions on this "shopping" trip. Such a trusting marriage already, three weeks in! I write in my notes "this relationship is sickening."

Outside, Taylor is teaching her how a jet ski works, which takes ages, and then once she gets it going, instead of going to shore she decides to race full speed around the boat a couple times, drawing Christian out onto the deck. Guess who is not happy? And guess who, just as he predicted, gets an irate phone call from Christian asking what in the actual fuck he was thinking letting Christian's completely inept wife ride a jet ski ALL BY HERSELF? Once on shore, Taylor relays Christian's displeasure to Ana who is instantly remorseful - Christian has so much else to deal with, and then she goes and upsets him by doing something any normal adult married to another normal adult should not need "permission" to do! How could she do this to him? What was she thinking? I'm left confused again, as I am more and more with every turn of the page. Is Christian an unreasonable, controlling, abusive prick? Or is Ana a thoughtless, self centered, entitled princess who is also genuinely incapable of handling the responsibilities of an adult? Or both? HELP ME YOU GUYS I DON'T KNOW WHO TO HATE ANYMORE.

So Ana goes shopping and buys herself a little ankle bracelet for 5 euros because she is just not comfortable wearing that 30,000 euro bracelet from Christian and money won't change her you guys! SHUT. UP. Telling me the exact cost of the inexpensive things you buy does nothing to make you appear LESS obsessed with money. Look at you. We know who you married. If a broke ass recent graduate you were dating tried to treat you the way Christian treats you you would be out of there in a heartbeat. You married for money, Ana, so why don't you just go ahead and own it? She also decides to get Christian a present - a camera for taking photos of her (which apparently he can't do with the camera he already owns). Thing is, she doesn't know shit about cameras. Not a problem though, because Jose does! So she calls him, waking him up since it's the middle of the goddamn night in Portland, but fuck it, the whole world revolves around Ana, why be considerate of anyone else?

When Ana gets back, Christian is mercifully already over her transgression with the jet ski, but if they aren't going to fight about that, they are sure as fuck going to argue about something else, so when Ana gives Christian his new camera and tells him what she's hoping he'll do with it, instead of being excited it makes him fucking miserable. Christian, you see, has only ever taken photos of his lovers for the purposes of blackmail. At no time ever did it occur to him that he could actually also use them as wank fodder. He finds the gift confusing. Would taking nudie pics of his wife AT HER OWN REQUEST make him a misogynist? Is this the slippery slope that will lead him back to the path of darkness and dysfunction that James feels characterizes all BDSM activities? Christian shuts down and won't talk to her, so Ana goes into a tailspin for many pages wondering how she went so wrong and does this have something to do with his dead mother and what can she do to fix this huge mistake...the only thing I write in this whole section is "MELODRAMA". I don't even remember how she manages to bring him back to his happy place. All I know it that eventually they fuck and it solves everything, exactly the way life works in real life.

The next day, after an afternoon at Versailles, Ana is online checking her email to make sure everyone is missing her the appropriate amount when a fucking miracle happens: KATE INSTANT MESSAGES HER ON SKYPE. I write "FINALLY JESUS FUCK." Ana has finally discovered something on the internet that people decades her senior who did not even grow up having constant access to the internet have been using with great success and regularity for years. Ana, we also have these amazing things called electric lightbulbs that let you see stuff at night, you should check them out, it's way beyond our time. Anyway, Kate and all of Seattle are abuzz about the fire and wondering if it is arson. Christian has confirmed previously that this was the case, and apparently someone did eventually bother to inform the police, but Ana can't tell Kate because for some reason SHHH DIS A SEKRET.

Chapter 5 - The Stupid Explodes. The honeymoon is over, and for some reason Christian and Ana take a commercial flight home. And while jet lag is absolutely to be expected in this situation, Ana's amazement that she's been awake for eighteen whole hours in a row! is not impressive to me. When you get up to around 30 hours or more, call me and I'll tell you about the time that not only was I up for that long, but my evil friends in Hitchin got me completely pissed AND THEN I got up at 7 the next morning and rode roller coasters the entire day. This is point where we begin all manor of in your face foreshadowing about Ana's pregnancy, with Christian pointing out that Ana has "put on a little weight" on their honeymoon. Later, Ana asks if Christian would ever let her drive the Audi and he tells her yes but  not to dent it and she gets SUPER FUCKING PISSED because he OBVIOUSLY LOVES HIS CAR MORE THAN HE LOVES HER. PREGNANT BITCHES BE CRAZY Y'ALL.

The next day they go over to his parents' house for the day and Ana is bitchy and out of sorts the entire time because I wonder if she's pregnant. After the party, Christian tells her that now is her chance and she can drive the Audi! Elated at this show of trust, she respects it and drives carefully home. Haha just kidding! She IMMEDIATELY fucking floors it the second they are out of the driveway and leaves their security team in the dust. Eventually she slows down when she realizes she has upset Christian, surprised as always that her irresponsible selfish actions get her the exact reaction she intended. It is at this point that Christian gets a phone call setting off a series of events that made me throw the book across the room twice. THEY ARE BEING FOLLOWED YOU GUYS. The security team knows this because there is a car with fictitious plates directly behind them. At no point is it explained how they managed to run someone's plates without the help of the police or access to the state motor vehicle database, or whether or not they are running the plates of every single car Christian shares the road with just in case there's bad guys lurking. Christian and the security team know exactly what to do, though: they instruct Ana that when she gets to the highway, she should start driving as fast as she can. Ana is concerned about this because oh my god, what if she gets pulled over by the police and gets a ticket? Christian tells her, rightly, that that would actually be a good thing because then the police would be involved. What he does not do, nor anyone else in their entourage, is ACTUALLY CALL 911 AND INVOLVE THE POLICE. (throws book) For once Ana does as she is told. She pushes the car past 110 miles an hour and additionally weaves recklessly in and out of traffic and cuts across multiple lanes because a good way to solve the problem of someone chasing you is to make sure you also endanger the lives of every single other person on the road by driving like a fucking asshole. And hey, as long as you're not calling the police to report a suspicious car following you, why not also decide not to drive directly to the nearest police station like a sane person would, and instead lead your pursuer STRAIGHT TO YOUR FUCKING HOME? (throws book) Actually, they didn't, they pulled off in a parking lot a couple blocks from home to see if the mysterious pursuer would notice. He/she doesn't and instead proceeds to their home and, according to security, "cases the joint". I don't have time to wonder exactly what the fucking plan would have been if they HAD been followed into the parking lot, because Ana is so shaken up from the experience that they are going to have to fuck right there in the car, immediately, even though someone apparently wishing them harm is still driving around somewhere looking for them. I don't even

In Chapter 6 they get back to the apartment. It turns out the car sex just wasn't enough sex to calm Ana's frayed nerves, so they end up spending the bulk of the chapter in the playroom having what would be entirely forgettable sex if it weren't the first time Ana had a tiny butt plug up her ass. Also, she is bent over (gasp!) a table! That husband of hers is so very naughty. She actually says naughty right there. Once the sex is over and everything has calmed down, Christian has a minor freak out because if something happened to Ana he wouldn't know what to do with himself. Not that this stopped him from telling her to drive like wannabe crash test dummy just an hour before. Christian goes off to get "debriefed" on the situation by his security team (who also get screamed at for losing them in traffic since they should be omniscient and know his dumb ass wife is going to drive like she stole the damn thing), and Ana decides she's going to wash the butt plug, despite the fact that she knows nothing at all about sex toys or how to properly sterilize them. On the way, she runs into the housekeeper and becomes super embarrassed because she probably knows that Ana and Christian have sex, a fact which no one except Ana would find scandalizing and in fact they probably don't ever think about it at all. Ana takes this opportunity to continue complaining about how very hard it is to be rich and have a staff. I write "go fuck bears."

Ana goes off to the library to have a think, not exactly one of her strengths. She first thinks about how badly Christian is going to react when she tells him she wants to continue to go by the name Steele professionally, especially since they argue constantly about whether she should be working at all. I am confused again. In real life, I think the decision to change one's name to that of one's spouse is a personal decision and none of anyone else's business. I have no plans to ever get married, but if I did I certainly wouldn't want to change mine, I fucking love my surname. If it were that important to my spouse that we have the same name, I'd be happy to share mine. However, in this case, Ana HAS changed her name to Grey, she only wants to use Steele "professionally". Again, lots of people do this, but most of those people have established careers at the point where they make this decision. Ana is 21 years old and has been working in publishing for about two months now, three weeks of which she was away on her honeymoon. She has no established career. Based on her character and how desperately she wants to morph with Christian into a single physical entity, I feel like the only reason for her to make this decision is because James wants them to fight over it. They will, I'm sure, even though Christian's OWN MOTHER goes by her maiden name professionally. Anyway, after she thinks about that, she downloads the photos off the memory card from Christian's new camera and discovers he has covertly taken HUNDREDS of photos of her. YOU GUYS ISN'T THAT SO ROMANTIC AND NOT FUCKING CREEPY AT ALL? Ana is suddenly overwhelmed by her feelings for Christian, because WHAT IF SOMETHING EVER HAPPENED TO HIM? so she runs sobbing into his office to "check that he's safe." She finds him on the phone with a security guy from his office, which in no way stops her from climbing into his lap like a frightened child. Christian is looking at his monitor, where the security team has enhanced the video from inside the server room showing a mysterious figure lurking there on the day of the fire. Ana looks up from her weeping and realizes that HOLY SHIT she knows who it is!

Guess what? It's her ex-boss/attempted rapist Jack Hyde! Thank god someone solved that mystery! I was beginning to fear we would never know who wants to kill Christian. Besides me.

Cara Reads Fifty Shades Of Grey

I was going through my stats this morning looking at who is linking to me like the screaming narcissist I am, and one of the links I came across had another link to a girl called Cara and some Youtube videos of her reading Fifty Shades of Grey. She's only read the first four chapters so far, but I was absolutely in tears from laughing so hard. When I showed StereoNinja earlier, he asked if she'd read my blog since many of her observations were so similar to mine. I don't know if she has, but she appears to be smart and know how to read, so it seems logical that she would reach some of the same conclusions about just how fucking bad this book actually is as I did when I read it because if you are smart and literate, it's pretty hard to miss.

Anyway, go watch her videos and laugh. I will start reading the third book on Thursday night and plan to have reviews up by the weekend.

My Triumphant Return

Hey guys! Allow me to offer my deepest apologies for going A.W.O.L. for two weeks. In this particular instance, AWOL refers to "amberance wasn't online" and the reason for that is not my hotel, nor my beautiful Sulu, nor my paramour seem to realize that wireless connectivity is essential for life. I used what little global roaming data I had trying to find something in Wales that turned out to be right next to where I started, checking on trains, and locating a Chipotle in Camden (which was filled with American students and as far as I could tell not one single English person). Sorry to all the people I wanted to meet who follow me on this blog and on Twitter, I simply had no way to contact any of you while I was over, and I promise to do much better next time (which will be February) because I intend to get myself a UK based phone for use when I am in the UK, because it's a lot (I am looking at three trips next year).

I owe you the last 50 Shades Darker post, which I will work on and get up in the next few days, and of course recaps of my time abroad (the short version: I drank a lot, lost my camera, cried over a scale model of Hogwarts, attended two birthday parties and a wedding, got lost in Wales, found myself in Forbidden Planet, and made excellent use of the four poster bed in my hotel room). And then I suppose it will be time to start in on the third installment of the Nonsense Chronicles. I can't tell you how nice it was to not have to look at those books AT ALL for two entire weeks.

Oh how I have missed you, internets.

50 Frowns Deeper

Last night while I was reading, I stopped mid-sentence and sent an outraged email to H-Town which was titled “FUCK THIS IN THE ASS TIMES A MILLION WITH SHAQ’S RIGHT SHOE”.

Chapter 5 opens with Anna confirming with the girl from reception what she already knows – that the woman Christian is talking to is Elena the Evil Pedo from Hell – and completely losing her shit. She storms out of the salon because she loves to make dramatic scenes and proceeds to have THE EXACT SAME CONVERSATION with Christian about what a threat this woman is to her that they have already had at least three or four times. If you took out every scene or description where the author repeats herself, the entire trilogy would be 11 pages long.

H-Town: she writes, "My scalp is trying to leave the building."
My response: "My brain is trying to leave this book."

me: followed almost immediately by "Mrs. Leonard? I thought she was divorced"
because no one divorced has ever kept their married name, ever

H-Town: ever. Amber. Ever.

me: and also they proceed to have the same conversation they have every day

H-Town: yup Sex - angry conversation - sex - angry conversation - sex - angry conversation

While they are standing there screaming at each other in public about a problem that doesn’t actually exist, Christian gets a phone call warning him of an actual problem. It seems ghost girl is still on the loose but now she’s managed to get herself a concealed weapons permit (he claims during the conversation that she got this without a background check). Christian relays this to Ana and unilaterally decides she will be staying with him until his people get a handle on the situation. Ana reacts to this by screaming at him that she wants a haircut. Christian reacts to that by picking her up off the ground like a small child throwing a temper tantrum, which in all fairness to Christian is EXACTLY WHAT SHE IS DOING.

H-Town: and he FUCKING CARRIES HER
I wanted to open my front door and throw the book outside
but was afraid it would kill the grass.
and for the 74th time in my notes, I wrote, "Ana is stupid."
Also, I just started keeping track of how many times he runs his hands through his hair
that's this book's "pants from hips" comment
four times in chapters 5 and 6

me: so he tells her about Leila going all The Shining
and she's like FUCK THAT I WANT A HAIRCUT
HOW COULD SOMEONE'S LIFE UNRAVELING BE MORE IMPORTANT THAN GETTING RID OF THESE SPLIT ENDS?!?!?

H-Town: hahaha

me: btw, that concealed weapons permit?
NOPE
I checked
Washington State requires a background check that includes a mental health check and takes at least 30 days, sometimes up to 90
she did not get out of the hospital after a suicide attempt and go get a concealed carry permit at the fucking grocery store the next day

After carrying her over his shoulder in public, they go to Ana’s so she can pack since whatever Christian decides is the law. By the way, on hearing that Leila can now practically get a handgun from the nearest vending machine, her ONLY fear is that something might happen to Christian. Her instinct for self-preservation does not fucking exist. When they get to his place (he drove her Audi because women should never drive if a man is present) they continue having the same conversation they had an hour ago while they wait for Franco the “small, dark and gay” hairdresser to come over and cut Ana’s hair, which clearly will solve all of her problems.

me: did you enjoy the hairdresser?

H-Town: Oh my god
first off, nice slight about "I bet he's from Baltimore or something"
fake-uh Italian-uh accent-uh
also, he's gay
WHAT A SURPRISE

me: you should have known that because he's dark. ALL MEN WITH A TAN ARE GAY
why does she think he's faking an accent anyway?

H-Town: Italians aren't real
can we talk about the "I put a spell on you" part? (this is the song that is playing while she’s cooking them lunch)

me: haha yes

H-Town: first, IMPRESSIVE CONTENTS OF HIS FRIDGE
He could have a bottle of ketchup in there and it'd be more impressive than Ana's empty anorexic cavern of a fridge

me: HOLY FUCK THERES PEAS IN HERE

H-Town: but then. THEN, the "I Put A Spell On You" part
when he sashays across the room towards her
HE'S SO SEXY
I could not stop laughing
if anyone did that to me, it could be the hottest person on the planet, I would die of laughter

me: when I come see you I’m going to play that song and then duck walk across the room to you.
romantically

H-Town: and then I'll crab walk to you

Following her SUPER IMPORTANT HAIRCUT, they go back to their discussion about everything that’s wrong with him ever, which leads to her complaining about the stalking. He tells her he does “background checks” on all of his submissives and this is why he knows every goddamn thing about her – including her bank account number. Then they argue about money some more, and he brags to her about how much money he makes an hour, a figure that no one who isn’t actually paid an hourly wage would know, and certainly not a person who has more money than god.

Me: so he shows her the file on her

H-Town: oh that's right
what the FUCK

me: there is 1. no reason he would need a copy of her birth certificate at all, ever

H-Town: Maybe he's an Obama birther
he doesn't want subs from KENYA!

me: 2. no way you can get a bank account number from a background check

H-Town: Come on, Amber, we know he's magic. He probably just gazed dreamily at an ATM and it swooned and spit out all her account details.

me: I’m sure, but that's how he tells her he got it
her reaction: "I don't know if I should be angry or flattered."
REALLY? YOU REALLY DON'T KNOW WHICH ONE
I wrote FUCK YOURSELF
but of course, she doesn't know how
oh also in this scene
THIS IS THE BEST PART
"do you even know how much money I make?"

H-Town: "do you know who I am?" it's like that
I make $100,000 every hour
I use it to buy hair gel that I am constantly putting in my hair with my hands.

me: EVERY HOUR

H-Town: Every time a bell rings, Christian makes $100,000

me: I did some math
James wasn't clear whether that was every hour of his life or every hour that he works so I did both
If he makes $100k every hour of his life, he is making $876 million a year
If you assume he is talking about a 40 hour work week, it's $208 million
So then I got on the internet

H-Town: which EL James and Ana clearly don't know how to do

me: want to know how much Rupert Murdoch made last year?

H-Town: yes I do

me: total compensation $33.3 million

H-Town: hahahaha

me: Warren Buffett's actual salary is $100k a year but including investment income, he made $48.1 million in 2006 (latest record available)

H-Town: YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND CHRISTIAN, AMBER!
He owns hair salons! and publishing companies!

me: yes, salon owners and publishers totes make more than four times what Warren Buffett makes

Ana goes to the bedroom while Christian assembles some sort of SWAT team that is going to go looking for Leila, and she googles (WHO KNEW) schizophrenia because she feels Christian exhibits multiple personalities. Since schizophrenia and multiple personality disorder are totes the same thing as each other and rapid mood swings are the same thing as having more than one distinct personality. WAY TO BE DEROGATORY ABOUT SOME VERY SERIOUS MENTAL ILLNESSES, JAMES. THE PSYCHIATRIC COMMUNITY THANKS YOU.

Me: is "breathtaking ignorancism" in the DSM-IV?

H-Town: it should be now
Then Christian comes in and they take a lipstick tour (during the part of the argument when she was whining again about not being allowed to touch his chest, he suggests that they mark off the areas that are “safe zones” with a tube of red lipstick he apparently keeps around the house)
H-Town: I really wanted her to write "I'm a giant stalkery douchebag" on his back

me: oh I would have been drawing penises all over him. ALL OVER HIM
and then I would call him " Dickelback "

H-Town: hhahahahaa

me: (this is where a reference to Nickelback lyrics/songs would go if I knew any)

H-Town: thank god you don't know any

me: Dickelback is our new band
Our first album is Why Are You So Stupid? and the single off it is called Account Number 2950482945893

Chapter 6 starts with a tired banging scene I’m certain I’ve already read, and is followed up with her getting dressed in eveningwear finery for the charity masquerade party they are attending that evening at his parents’ place. Oh, and some ben-wa balls, which she still has yet to call by their proper name.

me: Chapter 6
INTERCOURSE

H-Town: this line: "Boy, I want him."

me: I wrote that down too!
is she 11?

H-Town: once the hoo-ha parade is done then comes the dress-up scene
which is so much like an even stupider version of Pretty Woman, I wanted to ram my head through the wall

me: she must have had that movie on repeat the whole time she was writing this
she name drops a bunch of what I assume are high end designers
apparently this impresses others of our gender
but I had no idea what she was talking about

H-Town: Yeah, she could've said she was wearing a dress from Flim Flam McGee and I wouldn't have given two shits
"ooh, the new fall designs from Barb Wirefence! Amazing!"
"heels from Ben Dover! YES!"
oh, and Ana goes to the party with balls in her cootch
Don't forget that part

me: which she STILL can't name

H-Town: Yeah, it took me a second to figure out what they were because I didn't read the first book "Balls? What are they talking about (reads further) OH. OH, THOSE BALLS."

me: it was exactly like the no underwear scene, it was endless pages of her acting like no one had ever done that before
*did that yesterday*

They head for the party surrounded by The Ghostbusters extra security because of Leila. Naturally, everyone is massively rich and georgous and every woman is swooning because Christian is the richest and gorgeousest of all.

H-Town: the party scene was stupid
it was just EL James describing a party she wants to go to
oooh, masquerade masks! CHAMPAGNE! OLD PEOPLE!
ice sculptures!

me: synchronized servers!

H-Town: stupid bullshit!
she puts the whole menu into the book.
I wondered if Christian had sex with it while demanding a steak?

me: there was not one thing on that menu I would have eaten. not one

H-Town: it was just a bunch of French words shoved together

me: RIGHT?
I was honestly not sure those were actual things

H-Town: fromage e ferchette oui eiffel tower

me: this line
"Mia and Grace are already in situ..."

H-Town: STAB

me: I wrote "shut your hole"

There is an auction of various super classy rich people things I could not be less interested in, one of which is a weekend stay in Aspen, Colorado at property owned by Christian. Ana, as ever, is surprised to learn that he owns property. HE OWNS EVERYTHING IN NORTH AMERICA YOU TWAT. HE IS PROBABLY ALSO AN OLYMPIC CLASS SKIER. Out of the blue and for no reason at all, she decides to bid $24,000 on a weekend getaway she could have for free any fucking time she wants. And wins. The item. She loses at life because Christian is going to straight up murder the shit out of her for it.

H-Town: And then at the end, she bought Aspen.

me: oh my god wtf was that?

H-Town: he makes $100k/hour, it's cool
he probably farts out that much money

me: no it's not cool
he gave her that money and HE WILL BE THE ONE WHO DECIDES HOW SHE SPENDS IT

H-Town: I foresee punishment INTERCOURSE coming soon

me: I know this sounds rapey, but she was asking for it
let's see, you don't want $24k, but your sociopathic boyfriend forces you to take it
do you a) quietly donate that money to a charity you believe in without mentioning it or
b) publicly give it away RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM

H-Town: for his own damn house
she spends $24k ON A RETREAT TO CHRISTIAN'S OWN HOUSE

me: I'd be pissed too, just on principle, for her being such a fucking idiot

H-Town: and that's the end of two shit-tacular chapters.
What's been blown: Christian, a tube of red lipstick, and $24k.

me: my will to live, half an evening

H-Town: my summary: This book sucks so much that Dyson is considering filing a lawsuit.
boobs n shit, talk to you tomorrow

me: boobs to you as well

Better Shit To Read Than That Twilight Fanfic Fucking Nonsense

Many people have been asking me, "Amber, if we shouldn't be reading Fifty Shades of Grey to make our naughty parts tingle, what should we be reading instead?" The thing is, I can't actually answer that for you because you know a lot better than I do what you like in your word porn. I can tell you what I like, and you can go check that out, or not, as the mood strikes you but if, say, you are really digging tentacle porn this afternoon, my suggestions aren't going to be a whole lot of help to you. You might want to just google that.

Having said that, I've given a lot of thought to what sorts of things I've read that might appeal to people for reasons similar to why this book piece of shit apparently appeals to people, and I've made you guys a list. Keep in mind that most of my suggestions aren't going to be for novel length erotica. For the most part, I tend to read collections of short stories instead. This is just a personal preference. I find that on the whole, for writing of that length, either the plot suffers or the sex does. Or I just have a really short masturbatory attention span (ok, fine, it's probably this). The longest suggestion I have is the erotica classic Story Of O. It is the quintessential BDSM novel, but as such, might be a bit much for people who aren't looking for something as hard core as that, such as Christian Grey, who listed "permanent marking of the body" as a hard limit in his (never signed) contract, so probably won't be terribly down with the scene where O gets branded. An easier read for him might be He's On Top: Erotic Stories of Male Dominance and Female Submission, a collection of short D/s stories edited by Rachel Kramer Bussel. There is a companion book to that one featuring the opposite situation: She's on Top: Erotic Stories of Female Dominance and Male Submission, which I haven't read, but I suspect is just as good (or maybe better if you love reading about pegging).

If it's not BDSM you're after, and you're just looking for erotica aimed at and/or written by women, you could do worse than the Best Women's Erotica series, an annual collection of short stories edited by Violet Blue (I couldn't find the 2012 version on Amazon for some reason, but here's 2011, and here's where you can preorder 2013). And as long as we're on the subject of Violet Blue, she has also edited a series of books featuring fantasies for couples, including Taboo, which I ran to my living room to read after the first sex scene in Fifty Shades just to make sure that I still enjoy sex. I was genuinely concerned E. L. James had permanently destroyed my sex drive.

Of course there are also tons of sex blogs out there in internetland, including my own. But since I can't really link to that here as it would defeat the entire purpose of my having separated it from Bizzybiz in the first place (you are welcome to try to find it, but good luck with that - my friend Fish has been trying to find it off and on for years without much luck, and he knows me better than most people), I can instead recommend Pussy Talk, Easily Aroused, Remittance Girl, The Erotic Writer, and the incomparable Monmouth who I know in real life and who is also very good at finding delicious beer and/or snacks. I also follow mega porn star James Deen on Twitter, but his tweets aren't really that sexy and seem to be mostly related to him dressing up as a baby panda, though he does post links to his blog and photos of who he banged on camera that day.

Hopefully you'll find something on this list to interest you (or you were sucessful at your tentacle porn googling) and that it will keep you occupied until the reviews for the next book start, which I'm hoping will be next week, since my roommate, my lover AND my partner in fun Mrs. Sizemore will all be out of town and I am otherwise going to be BORED AS FUCK. And boring as fuck, unless you want to spend the week reading stories about my cat vs. the vacuum and how I can have ice cream and cookie dough for dinner since the bartender won't be here to stop me. Right, I didn't think so.

50 Fucks of This

I read and review Fifty Shades of Grey so you don't have to.

Right then. So, you know how I thought the incredibly inaccurate portrayal of BDSM in this book was making me angry? Well, I was wrong. Because in the last few chapters of this heinous crime people think is literature, E. L. James takes this bullshit to a level that I was genuinely unprepared for and I am now at a level of fury I was unaware I was even capable of.

Chapter 24 begins with Ana having a dream: Christian is in a cage and trying to feed her strawberries, but they can't reach each other. Let me repeat that: Christian is in a cage, and he and Ana can't reach each other. OH MY GOD THE SYMBOLISM IT IS SO CRYPTIC. What could it mean? Is this dream a metaphor for their relationship? Is it? IS IT? WE MAY NEVER KNOW. Christian wakes her up. It's very early in the morning, still dark outside. Christian is getting her up because he has a surprise for her, but first they have to argue about whether or not she's going to eat breakfast because no chapter would be complete if they didn't argue about food. They get in the car and Christian has opera on again because he is sophisticated and sad. Ana thinks it's depressing so he puts her in charge of the music. She scrolls through his iPod for a while and then selects Britney Spears' "Toxic". My personal friends who are reading this are laughing their faces off right now, as I'm pretty sure I've subjected every one of them to my rants about how much I hate Britney Spears because she can't sing. Don't worry though, Christian's judgment about music is still intact: he didn't put that in his iPod, Leila did. Ana is STUNNED. Who the fuck is Leila? Is she an ex-sub of his? Where is she now? Why is this happening? If James had written a line for Ana where she said something about having the vapors it would not have been out of place in this paragraph. It turns out she WAS an ex-submissive, one he ended things with because she wanted more. I have no idea if the author will go back to this in later books, but my money is on the serving girl at his parents' house who couldn't look at him without getting upset. This sparks a discussion about all his other subs and why things ended - apart from one, they all wanted more (by the way, they will start using this word like it's a noun for the rest of the book, i.e. "Thanks for the more". It is annoying). ANA IS THE SPECIALEST LADY EVAR.

They are headed to an airfield. Ana is alarmed: "We're not going back to Seattle, are we?" I mean, she hasn't told her mom she's leaving, and none of her stuff is packed, whatever will she do? Once again, the concept of free will and saying "I'm not going" is entirely lost on her. Luckily, that's not what's up: They are going gliding. Or the way Christian puts it, "We're going to chase the dawn, Anastasia." Fuck this dialogue. Seriously. Fuck this dialogue with a deer antler. When they get there, they meet a few people and then Christian starts strapping her into the glider (and her parachute) as if she were a small child, which is described in excruciating detail, unlike major plot points such as what being the child of a crack whore was like. He starts to strap himself in, but Ana can't move to see: "he's strapped me in so tightly I can't move...typical!" No, idiot, he's strapped you in that tightly because you are IN A GLIDER. She also gives some detail on the inside of the plane: "In front of me is a panel of dials and levers and a big stick thing." A BIG STICK THING. JESUS. I WANT THAT DEER ANTLER AND I WANT IT NOW.

So they go gliding, and it's all marvelous, and the sky is beautiful with "childlike clouds" whatever the shit that means, and he even lets her control THE BIG STICK for a minute and everyone is happy for once. They decide Christian decides they should get some breakfast, so they get in the car and drive to IHOP. I have a hard time keeping my own breakfast down and I write in my notes "Well we know he has shit taste in women so why not also in pancakes?" Her description of IHOP is the only line in this entire book I have genuinely enjoyed because she actually captures it perfectly: "It smells of sweet batter, fried food, and disinfectant." WELL DONE, JAMES. NAILED IT. Only took her 456 pages to get something right. As they eat they discuss their relationship some more, which is boring, and she asks if she can treat him to a meal and he gets mad, not because he's rich and flaunting it like usual, but because he finds this suggestion emasculating (his word). WOMEN CAN'T PAY FOR STUFF YOU GUYS. NEXT THING YOU KNOW THEY'LL ALL BE WANTING JOBS AND FREEDOM AND THE VOTE.

Christian drops her off at her mother's without asking how to get there because he probably collected that information weeks ago so he would know everywhere she might go to escape from him. Inside, her mother is freaking out about dinner because she is desperate to impress Christian rather than the other way around, the way it normally works for parents whose children aren't dating billionaires and who aren't stupid. Ana goes to start another game of e-mail tag, which is when she first finds out that Christian heard her talking in her sleep. The panic begins: What the hell did she say? Has she embarrassed herself? I know this is the start of a theme, and I know it's going to make me massively angry because shit you say in your sleep hasn't got a fucking thing to do with reality. The best example of this is the Sleep Talkin' Man blog, where a woman has been exploiting her husband's insane sleep talk ramblings for years to the delight of the entire internet.

After the e-mailing, Ana gets a phone call from the publishing firm she wants to work for offering her a job, which she accepts. Taking that phone call has made her miss a call from Christian. She calls him back to find out that there's some sort of "situation" and he has to go back to Seattle immediately so he won't make dinner. He sounds cold and angry..."But for the first time, I don't immediately think it's me." Oh for fuck's sake. I didn't want to do this but she's forcing my hand: here is a list of the warning signs of abuse, and every one of them applies to Christian except for threatening to kill himself if she leaves, but I'm sure that's coming. How are women enjoying this book? HOW?

That afternoon, Ana is sitting outside with her mother and contemplating the amazing morning she spent with Christian. He seems like a changed man, happy, playful, wanting a real relationship. She wonders what's different - he wasn't like this when she left....OH SWEATY PINK RHINOSAROUS BALLS. This all started after he had dinner with that horrible woman he was never in love with who is no threat to her. MOTHERFUCK. She must have told him to stop being such a massive penis and have a real relationship with Ana. How dare she help Ana get her way? WHAT A FUCKING CUNT. Seriously, this is Ana's reaction to this (entirely speculative!) realization. She has exactly what she has wanted this whole time, but it better not be because of that evil bitch or she will cut someone. Ana, you enormous fucking child. The only correct reaction to this, the ONLY one, is "Wow, I must have been wrong about her." Your complete fucking insanity is goddamn breathtaking. Ana doesn't mention this to him during that night's nausea inducing e-mail exchange. Instead they play more cat and mouse games that make me want to punt a baby duck. What did I say in my sleep? Not telling, teehee! You're mean! You're pretty! I've seen more mature conversations occur between two 13 year olds.

At the start of Chapter 25, Ana's parents are dropping her off at the airport for her flight back to Seattle. Incidentally, on both her flights the seat next to her in first class has been empty, and she speculates that this might be because Christian bought that seat so no one would sit next to her because he doesn't want her talking to anyone else ever. You guys, CAN'T YOU SEE HOW ROMANTIC THAT IS? She spends some time thinking about her relationship. (I am warning you now, this is the part of the book where I start to really fucking lose it.) So, her mother thinks Christian loves her, but she doesn't think so, because he can't possibly know what love is since his mommy preferred drugs and dying to child rearing and cuddles. And, you know, here's the problem: she needs him to love her. (She has known him for a month.) Needs. Desperately. She describes it as "a deep-seated compulsion to be loved and cherished." By a man that she doesn't think knows how. As premature and co-dependent as that is, it's about to get worse. Because then this happens (get ready my D/s friends): "He doesn't even love himself. I recall his self-loathing, her love being the only form he found acceptable. Punished - whipped, beaten, whatever their relationship entailed - he feels undeserving of love."

There is not a way for me to even describe the rage I am feeling right now. I have read those three sentences a dozen times at least and they are still having the same effect as they did the first time. I was actually shaking when I read this. In my notes I used an entire sheet of paper to write "FUCK YOU FOR THIS." She has just reduced the sex lives of thousands of people to the most disgusting and untrue stereotype she possibly could have. We are all so broken, we are all imbued with such a fundamental self-hatred, that we have to do horrible, punishing things to ourselves in order to assuage our guilt over receiving love that we know in our hearts we don't fucking deserve. E. L. James is not a member of the BDSM community. She is not in a D/s relationship, she has not done a shred of research, and she has not one fucking clue what the fuck she's talking about. How fucking dare this woman make this presumption? I have to tell you guys, the only reason I didn't stop reading this book RIGHT FUCKING THEN is out of a sense of duty to the people who have been reading and recommending this blog, and leaving hilarious and encouraging comments asking me to continue every day. Thank you - you are amazing. You deserve better than this horrific high school "love" story.

Sorry about that. I believe I was reviewing a book:

So, after that whole bullshit, she continues wondering what she said in her sleep. I can't even call this foreshadowing, this is the author standing on a stage with a megaphone screaming "THE THING SHE SAID IN HER SLEEP IS A PIVOTAL PLOT POINT." The e-mailing thing happens, the only real news is that the "situation" (she always puts this in quotes) has not improved. This worries her, not because something important might be wrong, but because she is afraid of what kind of mood he will be in when she arrives back in Seattle. When she does get to his place, she walks in to find him on the phone dealing with the "situation". I am getting pissed off about this because it keeps making me picture the cast of Jersey Shore. James has now made too big a deal about the "situation" for it to be a problem with his company; it's going to wind up being something more personal. We are not going to find out about it in this book, but based on conversational snippets, someone has gone missing and it's a woman, so I assume his ex-Domme has disappeared. I'll let you know when I get started on the next book (assuming she goes back to it since she tends to just drop things with no explanation constantly). He sees Ana come in and his relief at her presence is overwhelming. He kisses the living shit out of her while smelling like body wash (7). I assume his pants are hanging from his hips, but for once she doesn't tell us about it. He wants to take a shower with her right fucking now, but first he has to fuck her against the wall. I am convinced she only wrote that sex scene so she could use this line right after it: "He seems so much calmer now, his apprehension gone, dissolved by sexual congress." Yes, yes. He needs her, don't you see? He can't handle stress without her. This is like "I'll kill myself if you leave me" lite. Also? Never fucking use "sexual congress" in a sentence again unless you're being facetious or my antler and I will find you. All is well now. Everyone is happy. They get in the shower and he sensuously washes her with his magical body wash (8). She tells him about her new job, even where it is! He says he didn't already know, but I'm not buying it. I was born at night, but not last night. Then she decides to ruin it by mentioning that Jose's photography show is opening the next week and inviting Christian to go with her. He agrees to do so, but he is super jealous about it and tells her so very threateningly: "Yes I am, and you'd do well to remember that." This happens so often, I've pretty much resigned myself to it. Congratulations, James, you've successfully made not just your protagonist a victim, but your audience as well.

Afterwards, he decides there needs to be more fucking, this time in the magic sex room. For what was purported to be a BDSM based erotic novel, this is only the second time they've had sex in there. This is going to involve some sensory deprivation - a blindfold, and some headphone music so she can't hear what he's doing. He controls this music with "a small, flat device that looks like a very hip calculator." THAT'S A REMOTE CONTROL DUMBASS. THEY ARE OLDER THAN YOU ARE. I want to take the nearest remote control and shove it down her throat. Here is what's important about this scene, because it's going to make me very angry later, worse than I was about the not deserving love shit: Christian makes a very big deal about making her remember and say her safewords. He does this knowing he's not going to do anything that really hurts, but just in case, she needs to know what they are. He makes her repeat them just to make sure she's got the whole safeword concept down. When he's finally satisfied with her safeword proficiency, he subjects her to a very light flogging, which of course doesn't hurt at all and she has absolutely no reason to use her safewords in this scene. The only note I make about the rest of it is that he has to rub her legs to "bring life back into them" when he lets her out of her restraints, which means her restraints were too tight. Once again the author is straying from her own characterizations: an experienced Dom like Christian would have checked. Afterwards, they lay there cuddling and arguing about him still not having told her what she said in her sleep.

The final chapter of this volume opens with Ana waking up alone in Christian's bed in the middle of the night, again, because he couldn't sleep and has gone off to play sad, sad piano songs, again. She finds him at his piano and tries unsuccessfully to get him to talk about his childhood. He apologizes for waking her, but he didn't wake her, she just had to get up in the middle of the night to take her pill because she started taking them at 8 in the morning Georgia time, which is 5 in the morning Seattle time because she's an idiot. She writes this about Christian's reaction to her remembering to take her pill for three whole days in a row!: "He raises his eyebrows in surprise. 'Well remembered,' he murmurs, and I can tell he's impressed." Shut the fuck up. This isn't impressive unless you are dating someone who never learned to tie their shoes or cut their own meat. Christian suggests they fuck on the piano, but Ana decides she'd rather keep discussing their relationship endlessly. He tells Ana that he thinks the contract is moot at this point - so long as she follows the part about the rules he won't worry about the rest, but if she doesn't follow the rules she will be punished. She rolls her eyes at this, and so immediately he decides she needs to be punished, even though that's not anywhere in the rules. James' characters are now contradicting themselves in the same fucking paragraph. The thing is, she really, REALLY doesn't like to be spanked. At all. She makes him chase her around the room for a while like a tease before she bothers to tell him she is legitimately trying not to get caught because she hates the spanking. She compares it to how he doesn't like having his chest touched. He instantly deflates. His is visibly upset about it, so upset that Ana immediately backs off that statement because it makes him so sad (not because it isn't true, mind you, just because saying so has upset him. Grow a fucking spine). She finally tells him the truth: she doesn't actually like anything that goes on the playroom, she's only doing it because she wants to be with him, and she will endure whatever she has to for that to happen. He's very upset about this, because he needs to hurt her. She wants to know why, but he won't tell her because it will scare her away, and he can't lose her, he couldn't bear it, please, please, don't leave me, you said you would never leave me...and you begged me not to leave you in your sleep. Oh you've GOT to be fucking kidding me. THAT'S the all important thing she said in her sleep, please don't leave me? She was ASLEEP you fucking tool, for all you know she was talking to a purple dolphin with three eyes she met while she was stranded alone in the middle of an ocean made out of lemonade. You think you're ready for a real relationship because of THAT? How old are you, 12? Eat a dick.

You guys. She loves him so much though. Like, you have no idea. Her life depends on getting him to love her back. She'll do anything, for reals. "Show me," she says to him, "Show me how much it can hurt." Ok, he decides. He's going to show her. He's going to show her how much it hurts, because she asked him to. He is very explicit about it. He's going to hit her with a belt, six times, and make her count the blows while he does it.

Oh, no. Nonononono. I already see what's coming, and I don't want to read this ANYMORE, but there are only 10 pages left in this book. For those of you who haven't had the pleasure, let me just tell you that getting hit with a belt REALLY. FUCKING. HURTS. It is definitely not for everyone. If she doesn't like the spanking, this is NOT going to go well. There's no chance she can handle six blows. She wouldn't make it through two. He asks her a bunch of times if she's really sure, and she keeps saying that she is even though she's not. This is like watching a train run over a pile of babies. I have never wanted to read something less in my entire life.

He hits her the first time and she is completely unprepared for just how bad it actually is. On the third one she starts to cry. By the fourth one it's already full on sobbing. At five she is convinced that she hates him. This is not something she can handle AT ALL, but he isn't going to stop....BECAUSE SHE HASN'T USED HER SAFEWORD. Ana, THIS is when you need your safeword. THIS IS WHAT SAFEWORDS ARE FOR. THIS WILL FUCKING STOP IMMEDIATELY IF YOU USE YOUR SAFEWORD. SAY IT. SAY IT! She never does. She never fucking says it. And after the sixth one, when he tries to comfort her, she is fucking enraged. She lashes out at him, because anyone who can do this to another person is obviously a depraved monster:

• "This is what you really like?"
• "You are one fucked-up son of a bitch."
• "You need to sort your shit out, Grey."

And she storms out of the room. Look, I know I've pointed out a million times about how abusive his behavior is, but this one is not on him. He warned her and he warned her, she insisted he do it anyway, and she did nothing to stop him when she couldn't handle it, despite being reminded only hours before of what her safewords were and how important they are. He would have stopped after the first one if she had said so. She didn't. He's not a fucking mind reader. And then she attacks him and tells him he's a terrible person for it.

I don't know a bad enough word to describe how much I despise this book.

She runs off to her room and cries her face off. She is completely shattered. This relationship can never work because he is a sick, sick monster. She needs to leave him but she doesn't want to, she less than threes him 4EVA. Her whole life, everything, everything is destroyed: "Oh, this is a dark morning of the soul for me. I'm so alone." I'm going to throw up. WHO FUCKING TALKS LIKE THAT? Christian comes and finds her and tells her she should leave him, so she tells him she's fallen in love with him. He is horrified (her word). "You can't love me Ana. No....that's wrong." Because remember you guys? HE DOESN'T DESERVE LOVE THAT'S WHY HE DOES THESE THINGS. He goes on to say he can't make her happy. "But you do make me happy," she says. Jesus Christ, could this be any more melodramatic? Or stupid? He DOES NOT make you happy. YOU DO NOTHING BUT CRY. Enjoying sex is NOT THE SAME THING as being in love with someone, and you would know that already if you hadn't been such a ridiculous prude and put your hands down there once in a while. She sends him away so she can pack, because she's leaving him, for reals. Except that there's two more books and dozens of unanswered questions: Why can't anyone touch him? Why was his mom a crack whore? What's up with her dying? How did the Greys come to adopt him? How did they add to fucking him up? So, you know, not really leaving him, just being a fucking drama queen. She's already foreshadowing that she'll come back to him: Can I forgive him? Can he forgive me? The entire rest of the book is nothing but overly dramatic despair that would make your average soap opera look like a blockbuster comedy:

• "I have...glimpsed the extent of his depravity, and I know now he's not capable of love." (You also "know" that helicopters need space to take off and land)
• "I gaze at myself in the mirror. A pale and haunted ghost stares back at me." (You just spent four days on the beach in Georgia, shut the fuck up)
• "...happier times, when there was hope of more." (Note: she's talking about YESTERDAY)
• "I'm a complete failure. I had hoped to drag my Fifty Shades into the light, but it's proved a task beyond my meager abilities." (Um, yeah, she actually calls him that through the whole second half of the book. I agree though, you are a complete failure at just about everything in life)
• "Shit, I've left him. The only man I've ever loved." (that you met A MONTH AGO)

And my personal favorite, because it encompasses everything that sucks about James' writing:

• "The pain is indescribable...physical, mental...metaphysical...it is everywhere, seeping into the marrow of my bones." That's not indescribable. You just described the living shit out of it. You described it so much it doesn't even fucking make sense.

She leaves him after an argument about her keeping her gifts from him (she doesn't, she has INTEGRITY) and goes home, presumably to cry herself to death. We should be so lucky.

THE END. For real. She ended the book this way. Laying in her bed (with her shoes on even, so we know how epicly sad she is) There’s nothing for me to even say about this. It’s that fucking stupid. It's the most anti-climatic ending ever written that doesn't involve someone waking up and finding out it was all a dream.

So – That is my review of Fifty Shades of Grey, the first book in a series of three. Overall, I have to say it was the worst book I have ever read. It might be the worst thing I have ever read. I’ve read cereal boxes that were more entertaining and well written than this book. Out of five stars, I would give this book negative ten. My recommendation is: DO NOT read this book. If you come across this book by accident, throw it into a fire. If someone tries to give you this book, beat them over the head with it until your arms get tired, and then throw it into a fire. If you see someone else burning this book in a fire, go get some kindling and make a bigger fire. No matter what, do everything in your power to USE FIRE to make this shit not have happened.

NOW THEN – I swore I wasn’t going to read the other two books. But then this blog went viral last week and dozens of amused strangers begged me to read them both and write more angry things. So, I AM going to review the other two books. Here’s the thing though – I can’t just keep yelling at you in all caps for 1000 plus more pages of this because there’s only so many variations on “zebra raping fuck” I can come up with and you are going to get bored. So for the next one, I am changing the format a little in a way that will almost certainly be even funnier. I have somehow roped my best friend H-Town into reading this book with me because I am a terrible person. H-Town is the funniest person I have ever met in my life, and I am someone who once dated a professional comedian. H-Town is about 900 times funnier than I am. I’m not being self-deprecating here – I think I’m hilarious, it’s why I have a blog –she’s just extremely fucking funny. So what we’re going to do is read the book in sections, and then have discussions about it, and then I will write posts with a little background so you have the storyline for context, followed by our presumably incredulous and horrified conversations. And then later I will think of something else for the third book. BrownsFan thought it would be fun if I wrote predictions for each of the chapters, but I am open to suggestions, and you guys are awesome commenters so I know you have some. Thank you SO MUCH for all of the encouragement, I would NEVER have been able to finish this book without it, and I am one of those people who feels like a failure when I don’t finish a book I started (other people get that right? It’s not just me?). You are the best readers a gal could ask for. I hope you never meet your Mr. Grey.

50 Bags of Douche

I read and review Fifty Shades of Grey so you don't have to.

You know what's good about this book? Nothing. Except that I am three chapters away from finishing it.

Chapter 21 opens with Ana waking up alone in Christian's bed. She goes looking for him and finds him in his study, on the phone, brusquely saying a bunch of businessy sounding words so we will know he is a busy and important man. When he gets off the phone he fucks her on his desk. Wait, scratch that. When he gets off the phone they have a ridiculous conversation that is meant to be coy but isn't, and then he DRAMATICALLY SWEEPS ALL THE PAPERS OFF HIS DESK ONTO THE FLOOR and then fucks her on the desk. HE IS SO DASHING AND IMPULSIVE OH MY GOD. I'm pretty sure this exact scene is in every romance novel written ever, but without the stupefyingly florid language: "Pushing me higher, higher to the castle in the air."/"...as I touch the sun and burn, falling around him, falling down, to a breathless, bright summit on Earth." I don't even kn....WHAT? Everyone is all happy until he asks her if she really needs to go to Georgia, and when she says she does he turns all cold and pissy. IT'S NOT COOL IF YOU VISIT YOUR MOM WITHOUT ME. IT GIVES ME AN ANGRY. I feel like I should put the list of signs a person is being abused up here and cite all the examples of Christian exhibiting those signs, but we'd be here all fucking day, and this is only five pages into the three chapters I plan to cover today.

After she showers, they have breakfast and argue about how she's going to get to Georgia. She says she can buy a plane ticket, on her own, because she's sick of him buying her crap. He says, out loud, "I have a jet." I say, out loud, "I have a migraine." They also argue about her not telling him which publishing houses she's planning on interviewing with that day. I have no idea how this is even a plot point. I get that she wants to achieve something on her own, but he has magical cell phone tracking/future shopping/super stalker powers, it's not like he can't easily find this out and I find it highly unlikely given everything else he's pulled so far that he hasn't done it already. They end the conversation by playing schmoopie and promising to miss each other terribly while she is away. I already know where this is going and so do you. I'm setting the over/under on when he will show up in Georgia at 2.5 days.

Ana has two interviews today: one with a large conglomerate in which she fears she will be just one of many in a sea of editorial assistants, next to which I write "Welcome to real life", the other at a small boutique firm she is much more excited about. She goes into enormous detail about the second interview. She is interviewed by two people: a woman called Elizabeth who has what Ana describes as "pre-Raphaelite hair" as if the audience for this book were the same as the audience for classical paintings (I was just barely able to restrain myself from immediately getting up and shaving my head) and a man called Jack who is way hip, which you can tell because he has a ponytail and earrings and he doesn't even wear a tie! She spends much more time describing Jack than she does Elizabeth and feels unsettled after the interview despite it seeming to have gone well. I have several theories:

• He is going to heart her and be creepy like almost every other man she knows.
• He is going to not be creepy and turn out to be a good boss and mentor, but Christian is going to ruin everything with irrational jealousy.
• Christian has already gotten to him and he feels like he has to hire her OR ELSE.

When she gets home, she confronts Kate about constantly winding Christian up, and Kate again admits to doing this intentionally and insists that creating jealousy is the key to a long and happy commitment, while at the exact same time warning her that Christian might be dangerous and questioning whether she is running to her mother to escape from him. Hey Kate, if you're worried your friend might be in a relationship she feels she needs to escape from maybe INCITING JEALOUSY in this potentially abusive monster is NOT THE BEST OPTION. Moreover, whether Christian does or doesn't have commitment issues is NONE OF YOUR GODDAMN BUSINESS. Ana admits that the only time they seem to get along is when they're screwing, to which Kate replies "If that's going well, then that's half the battle." Now, I'm the last person who is going to argue that satisfying sex isn't vital to a relationship, but this seems to imply that satisfying sex is pretty much how you know you ARE in a good relationship and that...that just isn't true. Kate apparently has yet to experience the glory of hate fucking someone you otherwise can't stand. I'm kind of sad for her.

Ana heads to her room to email Christian and then sits there staring at the screen waiting for him to reply. That's not me being sarcastic, that is actually in the book: "I sit and glare at the screen. Christian's responses are usually instantaneous. I wait...and wait, and finally I hear the welcome ping from my inbox." She sat there and did nothing but stare at her inbox for 14 fucking minutes. I'm not sure what's more idiotic, that, or that fact that usually Christian is doing the exact same thing yet we are expected to believe that he is a very busy and important man. INSTANT. MESSENGER. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.

That evening, Kate drops her off at the airport, where she discovers that once again Christian can't help himself from meddling in her affairs and has upgraded her to first class. And I realize that that is a very nice thing to do on the surface, but the way I'm seeing it is that she is constantly telling him that those sorts of behaviors make her uncomfortable, and he is repeatedly ignoring her wishes. Therefore, this isn't a nice thing to do, it's just another way he's attempting to control her entire life and another reason why he doesn't deserve any of the trust she's given him. Also, this is more of the stalking: she never told him what flight she was on. He's got to be either hacking her email or tracking keystrokes, right? Because otherwise he's hacked into the booking systems of every airline that flies out of Seattle and I don't even want to think about that.

In Chapter 22, Ana gets a manicure and a massage in the first class lounge, which makes me wonder why she's at the airport so fucking early, and that is saying something because I am pretty insane about making sure I get to the airport early. She's also drinking a shit ton of champagne again, causing her "to forgive Christian and his intervention" or make excuses for him to justify his behavior, depending on how you look at it. She then gets on her magical FutureBook "hoping to test the theory that it works anywhere on the planet." Holy fuck, Ana, let me help you with that. It DOESN'T work anywhere on the planet. It works anywhere that has WI-FI. Places such as FUCKING AIRPORTS. Even my boss understands this and without going into too much detail, the man is NOT GOOD with computers and the internet (OK, one example: "Do you know how to get a Facebook?"). She emails him about her first class lounge activities and gets an immediate reply. See if you can guess which one of these lines was in his response:

• I'm glad you are enjoying yourself.
• I hope you have a safe flight.
• I bet your nails look as lovely as the rest of your beautiful hands.
• Who was massaging your back?

She replies that a very nice and attractive young man massaged her back and she enjoyed it thoroughly. She leaves out the part where she thinks he's gay (incidentally, she has made this assumption based on the fact that he has a tan - I did not realize this was the universal sign for "queer"). And then she thinks to herself "Oh, he's going to flip out". I would like to take this opportunity to remind you than only a few hours ago she was yelling at Kate for doing EXACTLY THE SAME THING SHE JUST DID, and to point out that this is the kind of behavior you would normally expect to see from a girl in junior high. She then continues being a complete asshole by being on her Blackberry after being told to put it the fuck away. SHE IS IN LOVE, THE RULES DO NOT APPLY TO HER. Her idiotic plan works - he goes into a rage and threatens to lock her in a crate. She is all, oh gee whiz, I'm super sorry that I made you all mad 'n stuff, which she absolutely is not because it was her stated intention to do so, and then he tells her to get the motherfuck off her Blackberry, saving me the trouble of screaming that out loud at no one. HAVE I MENTIONED THAT I HATE THIS FUCKING BOOK?

Arriving in Georgia, she meets her mother at the airport and predictably bursts into tears again. Here the author throws in a paragraph that has nothing to do with anything else about whether Ana should invite Christian to Jose's art show the following week (hint: NO). She has not brought this up again through the rest of the chapter and a half I've finished so far. I want to club a baby seal. Ana and her mother go to the beach, where her mom asks her what's up with this guy who has her so upset. Ana is amazed by this insightful question: "How can she tell?" Who knows, Ana? It could be maternal intuition...or it could be the fact that you are CONSTANTLY FUCKING CRYING OVER HIM. Her mother's advice, which for some reason isn't RUN THE FUCK AWAY, is that men are "simple, literal creatures." E. L. James does not appear to think much more of men as a gender than she does of women. Ana finds this to be sound advice: "She is on her fourth marriage. Maybe she does know something about men after all." I can't figure out a way to spin this observation in any way that would make it seem sensible, even to someone as crushingly illogical as Ana.

Ana gets back to her iMpossible to find an extremely long email from Christian, highlighting the intended dynamics of a D/s relationship, which would make absolute sense if not for the fact that Christian is the one saying it and he is constantly violating every single tenet he mentions. The email makes her realize how much she loves him and misses him. They have been apart for less than 24 hours. She emails him back some fucking nonsense while she gets dressed to have dinner with her parents. It takes him two whole minutes to respond to it, and the conversation devolves into frighteningly juvenile cybersex before her mother calls her because they are leaving for dinner. When she gets back, they continue this idiotic exchange until he sends her a final email for the night: "I am having dinner with an old friend now so I will be driving."

On reading that, Ana immediately FREAKS THE FUCK OUT because the only friend he has that she's aware of is the woman who was his Domme, and not only is Ana rabidly jealous of her for no legitimate reason, she is wholly convinced that she is nothing but a predatory child molester who preyed on his horrific early childhood in order to manipulate him and ruin his entire life. I won't debate the appropriateness of seducing a 15 year old, but I would like to point out that this relationship went on for six years, meaning that for half of it he was a legal and consenting adult, and that when it ended he was the exact same age that Ana is now. In a rage she starts googling him looking for photos of him with this woman, which she doesn't find because there aren't any, because nothing sinister is going on here at all - they are FRIENDS. After paging through eighteen pages of search results (who is the crazy stalker now?) she emails him the extremely loaded question of who was he having dinner with and then goes to sleep in despair.

After spending the next day shopping and whatnot with her mother, they decide to go for cocktails. They are drowning themselves in Cosmopolitans. Christian has uncharacteristically not replied to her email all day. When her mother goes to the bathroom, she checks and finds the email she's been dreading, confirming that he did have dinner with THAT EVIL WOMAN and also pointing out (again) that they are just friends. Ana shits a canary. ALL HER FEARS ARE COMING TRUE. She went away for two days and he immediately "runs off to that evil bitch." She unleashes the crazy in a frantic email: "She's not just an old friend. Has she found another adolescent boy to sink her teeth into? Did you get too old for her? Is that the reason your relationship finished?"(Which, by the way, if that were the reason, I can't figure out what she's afraid of - it's not like he's going to suddenly age backwards and become acceptably barely legal to her again.) Seeing as she's so unbelievably upset, she does the reasonable thing and orders another Cosmo. When she gets his reply I find it half reasonable, half terrifying, and 100% what I predicted earlier. Reasonable: I'm not having this conversation with you in an email. Terrifying: BTW, how many cocktails do you plan to have you fucking lush? Wait, can he see her? Holy shit, y'all, THE CALL IS COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE. Predictable: GUESS WHO THE FUCK IS IN GEORGIA AT PRECISELY THE BAR SHE AND HER MOTHER HAVE GONE TO FOR DRINKS?

He walks over to them to start the next chapter, and she temporarily forgets how angry she was five seconds ago. She is now ecstatic because he came to Georgia for her. She introduces him to her mother. Now, I don't have any children, but if I did, and my impossibly naive daughter's boyfriend who makes her cry ALL THE FUCKING TIME decided to STALK HER ALL THE WAY ACROSS THE CONTINENT, at the very least I would be pointedly polishing my gun and staring at him, assuming I didn't just immediately stab him in the throat by way of introduction. Not Ana's mother, though. Carla is at first speechless, due to his being so breathtakingly handsome, and when she recovers from her awe over the existence of such a beautiful creature, she invites him to sit down for a drink, and then later invites him to have dinner with them the following evening. She then excuses herself so they can have some privacy.

Once she's gone, Ana resumes her anger and she and Christian have a heated conversation about this woman. She insists to him that this woman molested him, abused him, and forced him into a BDSM lifestyle he didn't actually want. Because she knows absolutely everything since she was THERE and SHE SAW IT ALL and he just DOESN'T UNDERSTAND how horrible it was for him. Christian has a different opinion: the relationship was entirely consensual from the beginning. She was never abusive to him in any way - in fact, she saved him from the destructive path he was headed down. She has never been anything but good and kind to him and that is why despite having no sexual relationship any longer, they are still close friends and business partners. Ana's not having any of it. And not only is she unable to accept that this woman isn't a depraved sexual predator, but she's worried there might be an even bigger problem: "Did you love her?" Because, she tells us, if he ever loved her at some point in the distant past BEFORE ANA EVER FUCKING MET HIM, then EVERYTHING WILL BE RUINED. HOW DARE HE HAVE HAD A LIFE AND HAVE FELT FEELINGS BEFORE SHE CAME ALONG? THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE.

He doesn't get a chance to answer this before her mother comes back. When she does, he heads back to his room. Her mother is completely fucking smitten with him. Mother of the fucking year Carla encourages Ana to go to him - he is obviously in love with her if he flew all the way there for her on his private plane. All will be well. They just need to talk it out. And, you know, if she needs to spend the night with him, it's all cool. But, you know, let's finish our Cosmos first because that will be excellent for your judgement.

WHAT IN THE ZEBRA RAPING FUCK?

Ana goes to Christian's room, where he is stupid enough to be surprised to see her, and is also on the phone saying more buzzwords because he is super important. When he gets off the phone she is all set to have this out with him, but she can't because he is so overwhelmingly sexy she has to bang him right now. Oh by the way, she mentions a few pages earlier that she's started her period. I find it interesting that the same author who absolutely cannot use the word vagina in a sentence is completely comfortable writing two different scenes of period sex. I am also shocked to find out that Ana uses tampons and not pads, since that would involve putting her hands down there which I would have imagined she would find terrifying. (Oh, side note, I was talking to H-Town today and we've decided that every time she uses the phrase "down there" we are going to replace it in our heads with the phrase "special purpose" from The Jerk.) In between the two sex scenes, Ana realizes FINALLY that if the scars on his chest AREN'T chicken pox...it must mean that someone was probably using him as an ashtray at some point. Her immediate reaction is to assume that the person who did this was the woman who was his consensual lover for six years rather than the much more likely candidate of his crack whore birth mother (who by the way, has not been mentioned or wondered about since the GO TO SLEEP part, which is absolutely fucking insane. She did not outline this story before she wrote the book. There's no way. This makes no fucking sense). She is also upset because she thinks if he hadn't met this woman he would totes be "normal" and not a freak: "I just wonder what you would be like if you hadn't met her. If she hadn't introduced you to your...um, lifestyle." Now, I don't have any scientific studies to back this up, but my personal opinion born of my own experience and of other people I know in real life is that he probably wouldn't be any different sexually. He may have come to it later in life, or he may have gotten into a relationship with someone who wasn't compatible in that way and it would have remained just a fantasy forever (many, many people are in exactly this situation), but nevertheless, the interest in bondage and domination was probably always lurking there somewhere. I don't know, maybe I'm wrong and most people get into this lifestyle by first being dragged kicking and screaming by someone else. But somehow I doubt it, and if they could talk, so would all of my Barbie dolls who used to get tied up when I was young. I really can't stress this enough: BDSM sex is something people gravitate toward because they like it, not because someone fucked them up. Anyway, he does his best to disabuse her of the notion that his former lover is the cause of his overall fucked upedness. She was a grounding influence that kept him from becoming a person just like his birth mother and she most certainly did not put out cigarettes on his chest. She is a trusted friend he goes to for advice when he can't talk to anyone else. Ana still can't (and I suspect never will) accept this, and continues referring to her as "Mrs. Pedo" until Christian forces her to drop it. He instead goes for a much lighter subject: all those times when he was still learning the ropes when he paid for sex. She is predictably judgmental about it and idiotically upset that she can't say or do anything that would shock him in a similar way, because the goal of every healthy relationship is to constantly one up each other about things the other person finds appalling. But wait! As it turns out she's wrong! She's done plenty of things that shocked him to the core! Why, she wore his underwear once when hers was in the wash OH EM GEE! And she calls him by his first name like she's some kind of equal! Once she even went to dinner at his parents house without wearing any panties! GOOD LORD THIS WOMAN IS OUT OF FUCKING CONTROL HOW WILL HE EVER KEEP UP? This abomination of a chapter ends with them going to sleep together once again, and despite the fact that basically everything he's said to her the entire night is upsetting and the exact opposite of the traits she appears to be looking for in a mate SHE HAS NEVER BEEN SO FUCKING HAPPY.

Three more chapters, you guys. Just three chapters left for me to get through without committing murder or permanently destroying my vision with some sort of sharp implement. I better get a fucking medal for this.