You Can't Take It With You. You Also Can't Have It When You Get There. Basically, You're Screwed No Matter What You Do.

OH HEY THERE YOU GUYS. Guess what I've been doing? Nothing! Because I'm completely broke. Except that I'm not actually broke. I'm just not allowed to have any money apparently.

So here's what's happened: when I was preparing to move to the UK, I took a few hundred pounds with me to pay for things until I could get a bank account set up. I maintain that this was a good decision: given that it took me over three weeks to accomplish that (because you can't have a bank account here without a utility bill proving your address. You also can't get added to a utility bill without having a UK bank account. THERE IS A FUNDAMENTAL PROBLEM WITH THIS SYSTEM), I wouldn't have wanted to have piles of cash laying around the house all that time, and I wouldn't want to have to declare the piles of cash I was bringing into the country when I got here either. You want to try not to declare anything, really, if you want to leave immigration the same day you got there. So, I brought enough cash to last me roughly a month, intending to transfer the rest from my American account later. I figured this wouldn't be terribly difficult - people move to different countries ALL THE TIME, and I've been a client of my bank for nearly 30 years, so they will totes help me out, right?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA no.

So it turns out, I can't transfer money using online banking to a foreign bank account, even if it's mine. My only option, according to my bank, is a direct wire transfer. But before I can do that I have to register. In person. At a branch. Which is 4000 miles away. No way around it. No exceptions.

I tried everything I could think of. Can I add an authorized signer to my account, such as my dad, who can register in person for me? Not without coming into a branch to sign a new signature card. Can I close my account entirely forcing them to cut me a check? Not without coming into a branch. Can I do ANYTHING, AT ALL, to make the bank give me the money that belongs to me? Apparently not without an $800 plane ticket and a 9 hour flight so I can go to a branch. After literally hours of phone calls back and forth to customer service, the best advice they could offer me was "Maybe you should try Western Union."

No problem, I stupidly thought at first, because I am a stupid, stupid, stupid human being. I'll just open a PayPal account in the UK with my UK bank account that I now have, and transfer the money from my U.S. PayPal account to my UK PayPal account. A good idea in theory, not so much in practice. Because my new UK PayPal account is new and therefore withdrawals are limited to almost nothing. That's ok too, I'll just send them a bunch of verification crap and they'll lift the restrictions! Turns out no, no they won't. Instead they will limit my account on suspicion of fraud. They will also hold the money I did manage to transfer hostage: I can't withdraw it, and I can't refund it to my US account.

No problem, StereoNinja and I stupidly said to each other, because optimism in the face of no reason for optimism is contagious. StereoNinja's PayPal account is verified; I can send him the money and he can give it to me. We tried it. His account was immediately suspended on suspicion of money laundering; my U.S. account was suspended for reasons they haven't condescended to explain to me. I completed all of the account verification requests and backed everything up with documentation. Sorry, no go. We don't believe you are who you say you are, even after 10 years of using PayPal without a problem.

In desperation, I wrote a check to myself from my U.S. bank and took it to my UK bank to beg them to deposit it. This, apparently, can be done, but only by sending that check away in the mail to somewhere to have it verified, which may or may not take up to 60 days to hit my account. It's been roughly half of that and I haven't seen it yet, despite the fact that I did see the check clear my U.S. account after 3 days.

So anyway, THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN DOING THIS WHOLE TIME, HOW ARE YOU?

Ways My Life Will Change With No Mortgage to Pay

• I will be able to afford to buy groceries with a startling degree of regularity, and without borrowing money from Fish. These groceries will also feature things like meat, as opposed to Ramen noodles. (I might still get the Ramen noodles though, cuz I kind of like them.) Likewise, peanut butter will become an accessory rather than an entire meal.
• I will no longer wonder things like "Will they really throw me out if I don't pay the rent this month?" and "Do I really need a phone?" and "Will Kristen die of hypothermia if I set the heat at 60?"
• I will no longer have the option of threatening to move back to Cleveland every time someone in Chicago says something I deem not very nice. (Fish and the bartender's lives will also change by not having to listen to these threats.)
• I can actually order alcohol at dinner instead of "just a water". I fucking hate water.
• CABLE MOTHER FUCKIN TV BITCHES!
• I will visit the dentist every 6 months, just like I used to. (Shadup, I like going to the dentist.)
• I will see all the things in Chicago that I should have gone to check out last year, such as the Field Museum and Shedd Aquarium. I will eat in restaurants and not have to look like a fool anymore when I'm the only person in the room who hasn't eaten somewhere. I will also visit bars that are not called Tai's Til 4. (Maybe.)
• No more giving hand jobs for crack!
• I will pay someone else to do my laundry, instead of spending hours at Bubbleland folding my own t-shirts. As soon as the bartender shows me the proper procedure for this, because heaven knows I'm not going to actually speak to a human I'm unfamiliar with unless someone is there to hold my hand the first time. Money can only solve so many problems.
• I will visit Kelly in Los Angeles, Heather and Amy in D.C., and Ashley in Arizona. Eventually. I swear.
• I will join a gym. Who am I kidding, really? I will be able to afford to join a gym, I won't actually do it.
• I will blog more. Because I will have more adventures. Because I will actually leave the house once in a while. Because I can afford to.
• Hookers. Lots and lots of hookers. Maybe midget hookers. Maybe I'll even get you a hooker.

A Major Announcement

I sold my house today.