Wow, thank heaven that's over. What I learned from NaBloPoMo is that writing something every single day is hard. Or that it's incredibly easy and I simply have very few interesting things going on in my life, I'm not sure. Either way, it ends up being a mixed bag of genuinely good posts, drivel and crappy one sentence fillers. Oh, also crappy NaBloPoMo wrap-up posts. But I also learned that I miss blogging on a frequent basis and so from now on I will try to remember what a fun hobby this is when I'm laying around bored with no books to read. Which is pretty rare actually.
We now return you to your regularly scheduled once a week* blog post.
*approximately
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Kitty Report
There were no cats I just HAD to have this morning, which is good because it's not time yet to have a cat (which I discovered by trying to picture the tortie kitten walking through my kitchen and promptly bursting into tears because it's Kristen's kitchen). There was another tortoise shell kitten who had convinced herself that my neck and head were her personal jungle gym, but the cat of the day was a black ca in the adult room. As soon as he saw me sit down, he came running over and aggressively claimed my lap. Which is to say, he slapped the crap out of any other cat who tried to get near me. I tried to pet his head, but as soon as I touched him he turned around and bit me. After that he growled at me every time my hand got near him. Apparently he's not affectionate - he just wants the lap.
Friday, November 28, 2008
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Great Minds Think Alike
H-Town: Things that sound dirty, but aren't: "Hey, can I help brine your turkey?"
me: "let me stuff that for you"
H-Town: "Mmm, I love giblets"
me: "Can I have a little more hot gravy?"
H-Town: "I'd like to stick my pen15 into the cranberry sauce."
No wait, that is dirty. Sorry.
*totally went there*
me: *totally beaten to the punch*
me: "let me stuff that for you"
H-Town: "Mmm, I love giblets"
me: "Can I have a little more hot gravy?"
H-Town: "I'd like to stick my pen15 into the cranberry sauce."
No wait, that is dirty. Sorry.
*totally went there*
me: *totally beaten to the punch*
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Holiday Memory Fun Time
I was reading an article today about a return to "classic" toys this season since there is not a "must have" toy this year (did I drive all around northeast Ohio in 1996 looking for a Tickle Me Elmo for myself? Yes. Yes I did.) and also because no one has any money.
This reminded me of the greatest classic toy of all time which is, of course, Domino Rally. For those who are either to young or too old to have any memory of this masterpiece, Domino Rally was a toy where you would set up a couple hundred dominoes in an elaborate pattern and then knock them all down.
The product itself was a piece of crap. The dominoes were injection molded plastic and hollow on one side. They were also way too thin and it was an enormous chore to get them to stand up and stay up. We eventually took to taking out every 10th domino or so until we were ready to avoid having the whole thing come down before it was finished, usually due to vibrations from someone walking around in another room. It was hours of painstaking and often frustrating work, for about a 20 second payoff, and even that never went according to plan. The knock down always stalled on the included bridge due to it's poor design, and also here and there along the line since we were little kids and sucked at spacing. We loved it. It was the go to holiday game for Cap, Simmy, Kelly, me, and occasionally our two younger cousins when we let them play (we were afraid that since they were younger they would knock stuff down. Because we weren't knocking everything down ourselves already.). It was a mixed blessing for the adults in that while it kept us quiet and occupied for most of the day, the only place we could set it up was on the kitchen floor where people were trying to cook for 20 guests. We played this at just about every holiday until we were old enough for more awesome games like Crack the Case, despite the fact that in all that time we were never once successful.
Who else had a crappy-ass toy they were in love with?
Bryan, is our failure at Domino Rally what led you into engineering? Because that would be awesome.
This reminded me of the greatest classic toy of all time which is, of course, Domino Rally. For those who are either to young or too old to have any memory of this masterpiece, Domino Rally was a toy where you would set up a couple hundred dominoes in an elaborate pattern and then knock them all down.
The product itself was a piece of crap. The dominoes were injection molded plastic and hollow on one side. They were also way too thin and it was an enormous chore to get them to stand up and stay up. We eventually took to taking out every 10th domino or so until we were ready to avoid having the whole thing come down before it was finished, usually due to vibrations from someone walking around in another room. It was hours of painstaking and often frustrating work, for about a 20 second payoff, and even that never went according to plan. The knock down always stalled on the included bridge due to it's poor design, and also here and there along the line since we were little kids and sucked at spacing. We loved it. It was the go to holiday game for Cap, Simmy, Kelly, me, and occasionally our two younger cousins when we let them play (we were afraid that since they were younger they would knock stuff down. Because we weren't knocking everything down ourselves already.). It was a mixed blessing for the adults in that while it kept us quiet and occupied for most of the day, the only place we could set it up was on the kitchen floor where people were trying to cook for 20 guests. We played this at just about every holiday until we were old enough for more awesome games like Crack the Case, despite the fact that in all that time we were never once successful.
Who else had a crappy-ass toy they were in love with?
Bryan, is our failure at Domino Rally what led you into engineering? Because that would be awesome.
Monday, November 24, 2008
Bounty
The bartender and I are making a 17 1/2 pound turkey for Thanksgiving dinner on Thursday...for the two of us and one guest. Because, you know, we wouldn't want to run out of food.
In related news, check out Mrs. Sizemore's pumpkin pie recipe, if you're looking for a DIY dessert.
In related news, check out Mrs. Sizemore's pumpkin pie recipe, if you're looking for a DIY dessert.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Finally, An Explanation
There may now be a reasonable explanation for my fear of the pizza man and librarians. It is because I am left-handed.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Observations at a Calexico Show
- The opening band had two people on drums. It was still quieter than most bands with one drummer.
- The lead singer of the opening band played bass on one song...with a capo. Bonus points for the agent coincidentally musing only minutes before, "Wouldn't it be hilarious to see someone using a capo on a bass?"
- An Amazon couple. The giant man had an Adam's Apple that was so big it looked like a foot was coming out of his neck. The giant woman had salami scented B.O. We stared at their backs for a good portion of the concert.
- Mutton chops.
Friday, November 21, 2008
This Will Only Take A Second...
Today's pants shitting moment is brought to you by a bum on the train on my way home from work today. He came in through the emergency exit door and proceeded to yell the following statement:
"Attention all the passengers on this train! I hope you can all forgive me for what I'm about to do."
Zzzzziiiiip went the needle on the imaginary record as all conversation in the train stopped immediately, because as everyone who has ever watched a movie or the evening news knows, that kind of statement is always followed by the guy pulling out a gun, dramatically jacking a round into the chamber and firing it at the ceiling as a warning that he WILL kill anyone who does not cooperate before robbing everyone.
What actually happened though was that he got down on his knees and begged for change. He wanted our forgiveness for asking us for change in the first place. Hopefully some day I will be able to forgive him for giving me a heart attack as well.
"Attention all the passengers on this train! I hope you can all forgive me for what I'm about to do."
Zzzzziiiiip went the needle on the imaginary record as all conversation in the train stopped immediately, because as everyone who has ever watched a movie or the evening news knows, that kind of statement is always followed by the guy pulling out a gun, dramatically jacking a round into the chamber and firing it at the ceiling as a warning that he WILL kill anyone who does not cooperate before robbing everyone.
What actually happened though was that he got down on his knees and begged for change. He wanted our forgiveness for asking us for change in the first place. Hopefully some day I will be able to forgive him for giving me a heart attack as well.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
The Horror, The Horror
This just in: There are spiders in the grapes. (WARNING: Picture of a spider in the article. I had to have BrownsFan read me the first two paragraphs.) Not just any spiders either. BLACK WIDOW SPIDERS, the quintessential ARACHNID OF EVIL. These are spiders that can actually harm or even kill you. Just look at them with their huge round ass presumably filled with poison, shaking their red hourglass at you and saying "This is how long you have to live!" They are hiding in your grapes people. Frequently:
"Some place in the U.S. almost every day of the year somebody finds a black widow in a package of California grapes," said Rod Crawford, curator of arachnids, Burke Museum.
I think we all know what kind of food I will no longer be purchasing, let alone washing.
And the woman in the article that wants to donate the black widow to a zoo? ARE YOU CRAZY? What are you going to do, stand there and calmly ask it to please crawl into your little cup so it can enjoy a life in captivity completely devoid of opportunities for evil doing? Yeah, that'll work. Put that monster in the freezer before it's too late!
"Some place in the U.S. almost every day of the year somebody finds a black widow in a package of California grapes," said Rod Crawford, curator of arachnids, Burke Museum.
I think we all know what kind of food I will no longer be purchasing, let alone washing.
And the woman in the article that wants to donate the black widow to a zoo? ARE YOU CRAZY? What are you going to do, stand there and calmly ask it to please crawl into your little cup so it can enjoy a life in captivity completely devoid of opportunities for evil doing? Yeah, that'll work. Put that monster in the freezer before it's too late!
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Amberance Will Stick With What She Has
I took a career aptitude test online today because I love thinking about myself, and the economy is scary, and I stupidly signed up to blog every day this month, and I'm still not entirely sure what I want to be when I grow up. "Weird" is not technically a career, and is certainly not lucrative. Anywho, according to my own opinion I am very intelligent and completely unfriendly. I am also apparently very nurturing, but only if you like hearing about me since I seem to dislike conversing unless it's about myself.
The test says that in general, I should be in some type of creative field, but then goes on to give the three best career matches for me, none of which are remotely creative:
1. Personal Care and Service Occupations. I find this particularly hilarious seeing as I scored approximately "hermit crab" on my interpersonal skills. Also they make it sound completely unappealing with their description:
"Primary job stresses include working with sometimes unpleasant clients, having to work on your feet for many hours, and working in sometimes smoky environments. Primary job satisfactions include briefly meeting and serving many different people or animals and receiving their brief praise and thanks."
They make janitor sound like more fun than this.
2. Veterinary Technologist, or Technician, or Assistant. This makes at least a little more sense. I do love kitties. I do volunteer at an animal shelter. But the questions, I think, were not specific enough, because this doesn't take into account that
3. Bindery Worker. "Make books and magazines largely by loading and operating machines that assemble printed pages and covers." Just an all around bad idea. I would spend my time reading the things I was supposed to be assembling. Also I am clumsy. I often break things and/or bodily crash into them. This job seems like a good way to break expensive equipment or lose a limb.
Other things I learned about myself:
The test says that in general, I should be in some type of creative field, but then goes on to give the three best career matches for me, none of which are remotely creative:
1. Personal Care and Service Occupations. I find this particularly hilarious seeing as I scored approximately "hermit crab" on my interpersonal skills. Also they make it sound completely unappealing with their description:
"Primary job stresses include working with sometimes unpleasant clients, having to work on your feet for many hours, and working in sometimes smoky environments. Primary job satisfactions include briefly meeting and serving many different people or animals and receiving their brief praise and thanks."
They make janitor sound like more fun than this.
2. Veterinary Technologist, or Technician, or Assistant. This makes at least a little more sense. I do love kitties. I do volunteer at an animal shelter. But the questions, I think, were not specific enough, because this doesn't take into account that
- I hate watching things die.
- I hate dogs.
- I hate not making money.
3. Bindery Worker. "Make books and magazines largely by loading and operating machines that assemble printed pages and covers." Just an all around bad idea. I would spend my time reading the things I was supposed to be assembling. Also I am clumsy. I often break things and/or bodily crash into them. This job seems like a good way to break expensive equipment or lose a limb.
Other things I learned about myself:
- My father was right about genetics, as I scored very highly on "Tax Preparer".
- I should not lay pipe.
- Fast food is not my bag either.
- I might make a good nun (not counting the sex and blasphemy of course).
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Cat Shelter Volunteering
You know you're bound to be the crazy cat lady someday when you walk into a room with 20 cats who surround you, meowing for food like something out of The Twilight Zone and you think to yourself, "This. Is. Awesome."
I am in love with a kitten (who has already been adopted) who tried to climb me like a tree, and an orange tabby with a gigantic head.
I am in love with a kitten (who has already been adopted) who tried to climb me like a tree, and an orange tabby with a gigantic head.
Monday, November 17, 2008
Football Joke of the Day
Q: Why can't Michigan make it to Columbus?
A: Because they can't get past Toledo.
Ann Arbor's a whore.
A: Because they can't get past Toledo.
Ann Arbor's a whore.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Backdating Because I Have The Lazy
The agent and I have invented a hypothetical game called "Cannibal Race". It's hypothetical because to play it correctly you would have to actually be a cannibal. The agent and I are not cannibals, so we can only pretend. The rules are pretty simple: two people bite huge chunks out of each others flesh. Last one to die wins. It's a hollow victory though, because the person who lost has eaten huge chunks of your flesh and you're going to die soon yourself, either from the blood loss or an infection. But you still won, so you'll have that going for you.
I told you that disturbing story to tell you this one:
IF you are not an actual cannibal, AND you are only playing Cannibal Race for pretend, DO NOT attempt to start the game by eating each others faces. This can only end in a bloody lip and loose teeth. Per the agent, while holding a tissue against his bleeding mouth, "Let's never play this again."
I told you that disturbing story to tell you this one:
IF you are not an actual cannibal, AND you are only playing Cannibal Race for pretend, DO NOT attempt to start the game by eating each others faces. This can only end in a bloody lip and loose teeth. Per the agent, while holding a tissue against his bleeding mouth, "Let's never play this again."
Friday, November 14, 2008
Spider Politics
Mrs. Sizemore: Hey, do you want to move to Canada and get gay married?
Me: That depends. Do I have to learn French?
Mrs. Sizemore: No, you don't have to learn French. I speak enough for both of us.
Me: Good, because I was planning on learning Portuguese.
Mrs. Sizemore: Ooo, if you learn Portuguese we could move to Brazil!
Me: Nuh uh. They have tarantulas in Brazil, I'm not moving there. It has to be Canada.
MrSteve: Oh what, you think there's no spiders in Canada?
Me: Not big ones.
Mrs. Sizemore: Yeah, the spiders in Canada are small and killed by socialism.
Me: That depends. Do I have to learn French?
Mrs. Sizemore: No, you don't have to learn French. I speak enough for both of us.
Me: Good, because I was planning on learning Portuguese.
Mrs. Sizemore: Ooo, if you learn Portuguese we could move to Brazil!
Me: Nuh uh. They have tarantulas in Brazil, I'm not moving there. It has to be Canada.
MrSteve: Oh what, you think there's no spiders in Canada?
Me: Not big ones.
Mrs. Sizemore: Yeah, the spiders in Canada are small and killed by socialism.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Random Follow Up
H-town: how can i have known you for so long and NOT known you were a tap dancer?
me: i honestly have no idea. i'm pretty awesome at it
H-town: i mean, it kinda sounds vaguely familiar, but i don't know if i'm just making that up
but that is awesome
me: for most of that time i was taking ballet as well
H-town: wow! the things learn about our friends
me: but i don't regret quitting ballet. ballet hurts and it sucks
H-town: yeah, i feel like all i hear about ballet is the bad stuff
me: i only stayed in it 10 years because all my friends from tap did. and they give you a line about it "blah blah blah balance, blah blah blah posture..."
H-town: and then you scissor-kicked those ladies in the head?
does ballet and tap give you the ability to scissor kick someone? because that would be awesome
me: i guess you could, but glitter would get EVERYWHERE
me: i honestly have no idea. i'm pretty awesome at it
H-town: i mean, it kinda sounds vaguely familiar, but i don't know if i'm just making that up
but that is awesome
me: for most of that time i was taking ballet as well
H-town: wow! the things learn about our friends
me: but i don't regret quitting ballet. ballet hurts and it sucks
H-town: yeah, i feel like all i hear about ballet is the bad stuff
me: i only stayed in it 10 years because all my friends from tap did. and they give you a line about it "blah blah blah balance, blah blah blah posture..."
H-town: and then you scissor-kicked those ladies in the head?
does ballet and tap give you the ability to scissor kick someone? because that would be awesome
me: i guess you could, but glitter would get EVERYWHERE
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
The Force Can Have a Strong Influence on the Weak Minded
MrSteve: Darth Vader Toaster. As the Ronco commercials say - ?The Ideal Christmas Gift!?
The engineer: *waves hand* "This is not the toaster you are looking for."
Mrs. Engineer: Now THAT was geeky.
Me: Geekily AWESOME
The engineer: *waves hand* "This is not the toaster you are looking for."
Mrs. Engineer: Now THAT was geeky.
Me: Geekily AWESOME
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
R.I.P. Herb Score
Herb Score died this morning. Between getting drilled in the face with a line drive and the huge car accident he survived in 1998, the guy had more lives than a cat. Everyone's got to go sometime.
I once met Herb Score, and it stands as one of the most mortifying moments in my life. I went to see A Christmas Carol with my faunt (fake aunt, thanks for this term Simone) and he was sitting about four rows back from us. My faunt is a huge Indians fan and she spotted him immediately. "Amber look. Look! It's Herb Score. Do you see him? Oh, I can't believe he's here. Oh this is so exciting..." It was almost as if that was what we came to see. It was hilarious.
At intermission we got up to stretch, pee, what have you, and headed back to our seats. He was sitting in his seat near the aisle, so we were going to end up walking right past him. I thought. Until she grabbed my arm to stop me and started talking to him. "Excuse me," she said britishly. "Are you Herb Score?"
"Yes I am!" he replied in the voice of Herb Score.
There was an audible gasp, which was followed by the loudest yell I have heard out of a tiny English person ever. "CAN I SHAKE YOUR HAND?" she screamed, while flapping her hands and bobbing up and down. Everyone in the room turned to look at us, while I quietly cast about for a shovel with which to dig a hole to climb into. Totally worth it though, since I've gotten a dozen years or so of physical comedy joke telling out of it.
I once met Herb Score, and it stands as one of the most mortifying moments in my life. I went to see A Christmas Carol with my faunt (fake aunt, thanks for this term Simone) and he was sitting about four rows back from us. My faunt is a huge Indians fan and she spotted him immediately. "Amber look. Look! It's Herb Score. Do you see him? Oh, I can't believe he's here. Oh this is so exciting..." It was almost as if that was what we came to see. It was hilarious.
At intermission we got up to stretch, pee, what have you, and headed back to our seats. He was sitting in his seat near the aisle, so we were going to end up walking right past him. I thought. Until she grabbed my arm to stop me and started talking to him. "Excuse me," she said britishly. "Are you Herb Score?"
"Yes I am!" he replied in the voice of Herb Score.
There was an audible gasp, which was followed by the loudest yell I have heard out of a tiny English person ever. "CAN I SHAKE YOUR HAND?" she screamed, while flapping her hands and bobbing up and down. Everyone in the room turned to look at us, while I quietly cast about for a shovel with which to dig a hole to climb into. Totally worth it though, since I've gotten a dozen years or so of physical comedy joke telling out of it.
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